Recap of Leader Quick Tip: The pain of conflict is a good thing
You’ve had a conflict.
It’s affecting the relationship and your work.
The other person is avoiding you and is unwilling to discuss the conflict.
He or she starts showing annoying behaviors:
1. Acting like a crybaby
2. Whining
3. Pouting
4. Being passive aggressive
5. Bitching
6. Fault finding
7. Showing anger
These behaviors are a problem.
This is a good thing! It means a solution is wanted, but the person is not willing yet to try to resolve the conflict.
The annoying behaviors are signals of pain. The greater the pain, the more willing people are to deal with conflict, rather than keep avoiding it.
People don’t resolve conflict until they are ready. Pain gets them there.
The annoying behaviors mean you are a step closer to a solution.
There was a conflict. It hasn’t been resolved.
Now you’re fed up with the annoying behavior.
Here are things you want to say (but shouldn’t). It may make you feel better, but is sure to make the situation worse:
1. Stop being a crybaby. Acting like that isn’t going to help.
2. Stop whining. You’ll never get what you want.
3. Stop pouting. If you’re upset, speak up.
4. Stop being passive-aggressive. You’re just making things worse.
5. Stop bitching. You’re getting on my nerves.
6. Stop finding fault with everything I do or I’m going to lock you in your office and throw away the key.
7. Stop being mad all the time or I’m going to give you something to be mad about.
So, what should you do?
Most people have the wrong idea about resolving conflict.
It’s not about apologizing or compromising or solving the problem yourself.
Resolving conflict is about asking and listening.
It’s the easy way and the better way.
And remember, the one asking the questions is controlling the conversation. And that’s you.
Try this time-proven approach:
1. Say “You seem upset about (name the conflict).” Stop. Listen.
2. Ask “Can we talk about it?” Stop. Listen.
3. Ask “What are you thinking and feeling?” Stop. Listen.
4. Ask “What do you want me to do?” Stop. Listen.
5. Ask “What are you willing to do?” Stop. Listen.
6. Propose a solution. Stop. Listen.
7. Reach an agreement. Hug and kiss, and get back to work
Okay, so you’re saying, reaching an agreement is the hard part. Not really, if you follow the steps.
Many of you find it hard to ask questions.
More of you find it hard to ask a question and then stop, without saying anything else.
And listening can be the hardest part, hearing things you don’t want to hear. Being blamed or criticized or accused is hard to take without striking back.
When people are upset about a conflict, they mainly want to be heard, to let off steam, to get it off their chest.
When you will listen, you may find that the conflict simply dissolves.
We see this happen all the time in our leadership consulting, executive coaching, and employee engagement work.
Give it a try. You can make it work.
All the best to your success,
Martha Forlines and Thad Green








